Lately I’ve been thinking about how I have omitted a few things on the blog. In large part this is because I know family members and friends are reading this and I’m embarassed for them to see it. This blog is not anonymous and I worry what people are going to think of me. I actually wrote this post over a week ago and have been scared of posting it.
But since these things are related to healthy living I have decided to come clean.
Confessions from the past….
I used to smoke cigarettes. For a long time. I quit on and off and would “only” smoke when out with friends, but then I would end up getting back into it. I’m happy to report that the last time I had one was last January in London and I hated it. Quitting cigarettes is very hard, so if anyone out there is struggling and needs support, let me know.
When I was on Weight Watchers, I developed an unhealthy relationship with food. I will always be grateful that Weight Watchers taught me the importance of a diet high in fruits and veggies and what a portion size looks like. But I used to freak out when I didn’t know the calories of something I was eating. I remember I wouldn’t want to eat food my roommate made because I didn’t know the points, even if it was something healthy like turkey chili. That is crazy! Plus I used to freak out when I was going out with friends and end up eating very little during the day to keep my total calories for the day low. I think I was eating around 1200 calories/day at the time, even when I was working out. Not cool. Once I focused on training rather than burning calories and counting points, things got a lot better.
Confessions from the present….
I still weigh myself almost every day. This is a habit I picked up from Weight Watchers. I have had Neil hide the scale a few times, but I always go back to this. The good news is that fluctuations generally don’t get me upset. But for some reason I like to know.
I have been tracking calories since the marathon. I really loved how I could eat whatever I wanted during marathon training. The problem is that I mentally got used to eating huge portions, and now I’m not burning nearly as many calories. I started this to keep m eating habits in line. But also….
I would still like to lose a few pounds. Back in the beginning days of the blog, I confessed that I wanted to lose 5 pounds and had started on Weight Watchers. The problem with talking about weight on my blog and tracking my food is that it can make me obsessive (see above). I’ve been tracking for a few weeks now, and I’m happy to report that it hasn’t had any negative mental effects. I am really just using it to get a big picture view of how much I am eating and don’t necessarily track everything I eat. I think the main difference is that the motivation to lose weight this time around is 90% wanting to get faster/healthier and probably only 10% wanting to look better. I am confident in how I look even with this “extra weight.” From articles I have read, it will be easier for me to PR in March if I’m down a few pounds.
I’ve been really struggling with the winter blues. I hope this post isn’t too depressing for you all, but I can’t pretend life is always great runs, rainbows and butterflies. I’ve been really struggling with motivation in parts of my life (luckily not exercise). I can’t tell if I’ve been sad because a certain situation in my life sucks right now (you can probably guess what it is since I can’t say specifically on the blog) or if it’s me just being depressed. And maybe the lack of sunlight is causing it. I don’t know and I don’t really know how to figure that out. I’m thinking of investing in a light therapy lamp to see if that helps.
So there you have it. I’m far from perfect when it comes to healthy living, but it feels good to get that off my chest.
I am so glad you wrote this… sometimes it can be so hard to let it all out on the bloggy! Winter kills me, too, and I spend every day worrying I’m going to eat my entire refrigerator because it’s cold and depressing outside.
Thanks for sharing
Kudos for spilling your secrets. We all have blog secrets I’m sure and it’s hard to admit them to ourselves much less the whole Internet including people you know. That’s me talking to me.
Sometimes braving that which you fear (even just a little) can be so liberating. Thanks for sharing your struggles. I think all of us women who grew up in this culture and who run can get a bit too focused on our weight. When I’m up or down even a pound I can tell the difference. It can be a slippery slope.
Trail running with friends always rejuvenates my spirits in the wintertime. There’s something about “playing in the woods” that brings out the exuberant kid in us all, and there’s the added bonus of feeling like you triumphed over the cold and the couch.
Hope you can come join us soon – I promise you won’t regret it!
I would really love to come join you guys soon. Is it Tuesday nights?
Hey. I don’t know you IRL but several things you said here really resonated so I thought I’d comment…
I lived in Portland for 8 years, but was raised in Denver. The change from 300 days of sun to 300 days of rain was…pretty horrible. So I have lots and lots of sympathy!! I can recommend another lamp, which looks less like a therapy lamp and more like a desk lamp, if you’re interested. Also? Trail running (and skiing, though I don’t think there’s much of that here) helped immensely with my SAD condition. *hugs*
I threw away my scale. (Both my roommate and my boyfriend were immensely proud of me for doing so.) I eventually bought another, though I only weigh myself when I feel skinny, which is…rare. I’m completely amazed that fluctuations don’t bother you, that’s so awesome. You sound totally at peace with your process, congrats!!
It is funny you are comparing Portland to Denver because we want to move in a few years and those are the top 2 places we were considering – and I was actually really worried about the cloudiness in Portland! But it sounds like you have found ways to deal with it.
I would LOVE to hear about the lamp because then I could keep it on in the office without looking like a weirdo.
Thanks for sharing Liz! I have been feeling very similarly recently and I can’t figure out why. Glad I am not alone! Hope you have a nice weekend!
Way to go Liz. I’m glad you posted. I can relate to pretty much everything you wrote.
Living in MN, seasonal depression is pretty common. I don’t know that I get depressed, but definitely a little glum.
I hope you feel better after writing it all down. I know that helps me a lot.
And…now I want turkey chili.
I’m glad you posted this, and were able to be so honest and open. It’s really hard to talk about the negative things or confessions on a blog. For me, knowing that family/friends/people I know IRL are reading is actually more scary than knowing that a stranger will read it. Maybe because I have to face them and I’m secretly afraid of the judgement? I don’t know…
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that it takes a lot of courage to admit these things to the world, and I hope that writing them down was therapeutic. I definitely don’t think this post was overly negative! Congrats on the positive steps — like quitting smoking and feeling like you’re able to track food without obsessing. Those are huge things. And I’m sorry about the negative stuff right now. I’m having a much harder time with motivation now too with things other than exercise, so I can relate to how you feel. Hang in there! I hope things get better soon, and I hope that whatever situation is really awful right now improves.
Wow, I would have never guessed you smoked. Congrats on quitting, I know so many people who have tried and just can’t. This takes so much will power. My mom uses the light therapy and swears by it. I always thought it was a little strange, but it works for her. I know it really helps to write everything out. You are brave to share everything for the blog world to read.
Hugs to you. Thank you for being brave. It IS hard sometimes to be all sparkle sunshine, and it can be tough to say it out loud – or write it down. But look at the comments – we’re all glad you did, and we’re all here to be your support system.
Want to have a workout or puppy or bike date next week? I think I might have something (someONE) new to my family that might cheer you up….
Thanks for the hugs girl. I think I’m too wimpy to bike ride, but yes to a workout/puppy date! Will email you next week.
I deal with my equal share of deamons as I do unicorns and rainbows. Thank you for sharing. I think it always helps to talk it out. HEART
I have lots of things that I don’t talk about on my blog and, really, I think everyone does.
I also don’t think there is a problem weighing yourself every day. As long as the number doesn’t change your mood, the scale really is a good way to make sure you are on track. I think I’m in the minority with that statement, but I believe it.
I love that you wrote this post. I think blogging can sometimes make it hard to come clean about your true struggles, and I can totally relate to almost every point on this.
Thanks for posting this. Other than the cigarettes (congrats on breaking that habit!), I don’t necessarily think all of your habits are unhealthy. You shouldn’t be ashamed for wanting to lose a few pounds. As long as you love yourself no matter what and know that you’re health is more important than size, a little vanity is ok. As for the seasonal depression- I’ve heard that’s actually caused by vitamin D deficiency. Have you thought about supplementing, at least through the winter?
You rock, per usual
I think I remember you doing a post a few months ago about co-workers who gave you a hard time for working out a lot even though you were already in great shape, so I’m guessing you understand wanting to lose a few pounds when you are not overweight! Thanks for the encouragement and I will definitely look for Vitamin D supplements.
I struggle with lack of motivation and winter blues this time of year too. I can usually push through December OK with the holidays and everything, but come Jan. and Feb. the lack of sunlight really gets to me.
What a brave post. If you find the “winter blues” stick around, I can’t recommend the GW Center Clinic enough for short or long term therapy. Here’s to hoping that it turns around.
Aww, I LOVE your honesty Liz. Good for you for quitting smoking. I’ll be honest too, I cannot weigh myself regularly either in fear I’ll become obsessed. I think most of us bloggers probably have had slightly unhealthy relationships with food in the past.
I hear you on seasonal depression. I cannot even tell you how horrible last January and February were for me. I’m already getting anxious about those months this year
And good for you for having the courage to share your blog w/ your family and friends. I have yet to clue my family and non-blogging friends into my blog!
Congrats for posting this. I posted some similar confessions (in regards to Weight Watchers and my relationship with food) and while it was terrifying, once I hit “publish” I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my chest. I definitely get the winter blues and because I’m currently Vitamin-D deficient, my doc prescribed a super Vitamin D supplement to take. Once I actually start taking it, I’ll let you know if it makes a difference! This is my second week not tracking points because of the craziness of Thanksgiving and it really feels weird. I’m thinking I need to start up again because it keeps nighttime snacking at bay but I’ve also lost my motivation. If calorie counting work for you, then you shouldn’t be ashamed of it! You are fantastic and goals are a great source of motivation!
Great job with this post–and please know that just because you are a blogger focused on healthy living, working out, etc, that doesn’t mean you have to be perfect! After all, none of us are!
I can identify with so much of what you wrote. I’m also a former smoker, mostly a social smoker but there were times when I was smoking pretty regularly, which doesn’t jive at all with my healthy-eating, runner and yogi lifestyle. Happily, it’s been 6-8 years since I smoked regularly, and well over a year since I smoked at all, so cheers to both of us!
Also, I have been obsessive about the calorie-counting at times myself, off and on over the years. While I was marathon training I developed the healthiest relationship with food I’ve ever had, because this time I was obsessed with making sure I had ENOUGH calories, carbs, proteins, fluids etc to keep up with my training, and also didn’t have to worry about a little indulgence here and there. And now that the marathon is over and I haven’t been able to run much while I wait for some tendonitis to heal, I find myself struggling with how much to eat daily now that I’m not burning as many calories. I can’t wait to be able to run more so I don’t have to worry as much.
And finally, I also weigh myself just about every day. Just to keep an eye on things.
It’s not always easy to be honest about your feelings or struggles, so kudos to you for being honest with yourself and others. This post is not negative at all. It shows that you’ve overcome a lot and recognize things that you want to improve upon. I’m sorry that parts of life are difficult right now and I hope things start looking up soon.
I can relate to a lot of what you posted about WW and weighing yourself. I never followed a diet when I was losing weight, but I definitely had similar “rules” about calories and what I ate. I also weighed myself daily. When I started marathon training, I stopped stepping on the scale. I know I gained a couple pounds, but I refuse to weigh myself anymore. I didn’t do so well with it.
I hope you had a relaxing weekend!
Thanks for posting this! I used to be really hesitant about sharing too many personal aspects on my blog but I’ve started sharing more because it’s helped me feel better about my “shortcomings”. Weight Watchers didn’t cause an unhealthy relationship with food with me but tracking my calories on Sparkpeople did. I also want to loose a few pounds too since I’ve gained so much in the past couple of weeks. And I used to tan in college even after one of my sorority sisters got skin cancer from tanning!! Thank you for sharing
And I still think you’re pretty awesome!!
This is sooo going around! I hadn’t read your post yet but I just posted a similar “need to get my shiz together” post. Winter blues!!